Who Is The Black Chinaman?

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Kuala Belait, Brunei
Saving someone's life is like falling in love. The best drug in the world. For days, sometimes weeks afterwards, you walk the streets, making infinite whatever you see. Once, for a few weeks, I couldn't feel the earth - everything I touched became lighter. Horns played in my shoes. Flowers fell from my pockets. You wonder if you've become immortal, as if you've saved your own life as well. God has passed through you. Why deny it, that for a moment there - why deny that for a moment there, God was you? I realised that my training was useful in less than ten percent of the calls, and saving lives was rarer than that. After a while, I grew to understand that my role was less about saving lives than about bearing witness. I was a grief mop. It was enough that I simply turned up. Living and working back in Brunei, after a 14 year absence... Also known as: Brunei, NASA, Bruise-Eye, Bru, Cheesecake, Nick, BruNick, BruMedNick, Two Step etc etc etc

Wednesday, 21 May 2008

Dear God...

I need help. After talking to Grace, I've realised that things are a little too much to handle by myself.

There has been issues from my past that I have built into walls so thick and complex that I do not even know where to start breaking them apart form. Every time I try to break down a wall, there is always something that automatically builds them up again, thicker and stronger. This has then made me into a hollow shell, thick and unbreakable around an empty space.

All of these issues, if I work with them, can be solved. The problem is, I feel, is that before this can be done, I would be put into a position that I do not believe I can get out from, causing me to doubt that I can even begin to make things right. It is probably, actually, most definitely, the main stumbling block that is stopping me from even beginning to attempt to rectify things.

Due to this, my relationships with people, especially with Grace, has broken down to a stage that could be salvageable if I can address the issues, but cannot. As Grace put it simply, "You're living day by day, as opposed to living."

Someone once said that the eyes were the windows to the soul. When I asked Grace what she saw in my eyes, her reply was, "Emptiness; loneliness; hurt." I believe, if I can put back her proverbial "twinkle" into my eyes, things can be right again.

I'm sorry too. Especially to Grace. I'm sorry that I did not listen to her. I'm sorry that I've hurt her. I'm sorry too for putting her into a position that will be with her for the rest of her life. I honestly did not what this to happen this way, but it did, and it is something I will have to live with till my last day. The guilt and feeling of worthlessness will just add now to another wall that will slowly build up again around me.

So, where does this leave me? What are my options from here?

There are various paths that I could take:
  1. Deal with the issues
  2. Work slowly through the issues with assistance
  3. Do nothing
As I mentioned before, if I begin to deal with it, I don't know where I will end up. So option 1 would mean for me to open up fissures and force my way through the walls. This could cause the subsequent collapse of everything, or spaces that are the foundations of who I am to be lost and destroyed forever. To do nothing would cause me to just live my life like I am now, floating through life as a dead vessel.

This leaves the final option, to work slowly though the issues with help.

So here I am, asking for help.

Where do I start?
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