Who Is The Black Chinaman?

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Kuala Belait, Brunei
Saving someone's life is like falling in love. The best drug in the world. For days, sometimes weeks afterwards, you walk the streets, making infinite whatever you see. Once, for a few weeks, I couldn't feel the earth - everything I touched became lighter. Horns played in my shoes. Flowers fell from my pockets. You wonder if you've become immortal, as if you've saved your own life as well. God has passed through you. Why deny it, that for a moment there - why deny that for a moment there, God was you? I realised that my training was useful in less than ten percent of the calls, and saving lives was rarer than that. After a while, I grew to understand that my role was less about saving lives than about bearing witness. I was a grief mop. It was enough that I simply turned up. Living and working back in Brunei, after a 14 year absence... Also known as: Brunei, NASA, Bruise-Eye, Bru, Cheesecake, Nick, BruNick, BruMedNick, Two Step etc etc etc

Wednesday, 21 May 2008

...Meaning...

For those that are not familiar with this comic strip, it is linked to here: PvP Online. It's just celebrated it's 10th year, and is quite a good read...it's also quite interesting that this comic strip was actually for today.........

I had a long chat to Grace earlier, about meaning, and how I've lacked it in some aspects in my life recently...

When I first met her, and started to get to know her, she's now realised that what I had was a facade, before I really opened up to her...I know I've always had reasons to lock away stuff, and build Fortress Nick...one brick at a time...until it was impenetrable to the outside world, and inside I'd keep everything that has ever happened that I want to hide away and not think about...

I asked her tonight about when she looks into my eyes, what does she see..."Loneliness...emptyness...hurt..."

She then commented that I'm always far away, thinking of something else when I'm with her...it's true though, I always think of something else everywhere I am...

I know I have to find some direction in my life, but I don't believe I'm ready...

N
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